Link VS The Fairies
by PSI-Triforce
Summary: Navi tries to find out what's behind Link's extreme hatred of fairies. Contains Humorous Fairy Death. Oneshot.


Navi gave off a quiet yawn as she woke up groggily on the side of Link's hat, which was lying on top of his dresser. Link himself was beginning to wake up, as he pulled the sheets off his bed and opened his eyes as he slowly began to put his tunic on. He quickly splashed some water on his face and rubbed his eyes as he pulled for his hat. Navi flew next to him and was about to wish him a good morning when she noticed something strange. On the window sill on Link's house in Kokiri Forest, there were lots of little mousetraps, and each one had a dead fairy trapped inside.

"Link, why are there so many dead fairies over there?"

Link groggily looked up, then to the window sill, and then hurriedly replied,

"Um… I left those out for the mice… I guess those fairies must have wandered into them."

"Then why is there fairy bait on all of the traps?"

"Didn't you know? Fairy bait is the best thing to use when catching mice!"

Navi had more questions, but Link was already heading out of the door, so she quickly followed him. By the time she had caught up with him, he was already talking to Saria, who he had remained friends with, despite him being almost 8 years older than her now. Navi was going to ask him what was going on, when she noticed that Saria was crying, so she flew up to Link's shoulder and listened.

"It's terrible Link, I don't know what could have happened! I just woke up and she was gone!"

"Saria," said Navi, "What happened?"

"It's her fairy," answered Link, "Apparently it had just vanished when she woke up. Tragic, really."

"No note, no signs, nothing," muttered Saria through sobs, "It just disappeared!"

Link nodded sympathetically before taking out his boomerang and aiming it in a random direction, still looking at Saria and nodding. A second later, he unsheathed his sword and held it out as a helpless fairy was dragged into it by the boomerang, impaling it. Neither Saria nor Link seemed to notice, but by now, Navi was sure something fishy was going on.

When the conversation ended, and Link had finished wiping the fairy guts off his sword, he decided to walk around for a while. Navi decided to confront him.

"Link, I think you're the one whose been killing the fairies around here."

"What?" replied Link in disbelief. "I can't believe you'd say something like that!"

As they were walking, Link quickly turned to a passing fairy and said, "Here, hold this for a second," handing the fairy a large bomb, before continuing his response.

"Out of all the people you know, how could you possibly suspect me, Navi?" said Link in a hurt tone, whilst the bomb exploded, blasting the fairy to bits. "If anything, I'm the one who loves fairies!" continued Link, as he fired a single arrow at a group of fairies, impaling three of them. "I'm surprised you'd even think of something twisted like that," he added, whilst pouring a large bottle of vodka down the throat of a nearby fairy, getting it so drunk that it instantly vomited and flew through a window, shredding itself to pieces. "Really Navi, you're the last person I'd expect to hear that from," he finished, as he grabbed a fairy without looking and set it alight, letting it fly around screaming for a few seconds before it died.

"Well, I'm sorry Link, but I'm your fairy! That means you're supposed to talk to me and tell me about your problems!" defended Navi, not noticing that Link had just tripped up an innocent fairy child who was on his way to school and stolen his lunch money.

"Tell a fairy my problems? Do I look like Timmy Turner?" responded Link impatiently, freezing a fairy in liquid nitrogen and throwing it at a dartboard.

"Link, you're killing fairies right now!" Navi screamed.

"No I'm not, replied Link, although it was hard to hear him as his mouth was stuffed with a fairy sandwich, so every time he opened his mouth, fairy screams came out.

"You are! Look at yourself, you're killing them!"

"Navi, I don't know what's come over you, but I think you need to rest," muttered Link in a concerned tone as he urinated onto a sleeping fairy whilst injecting another fairy with AIDS.

"Link!" Navi shouted. "Don't make me do it!"

"Do what?" asked Link as he tied a fairy to the back of a passing horse.

"Don't make me do it!" Navi threatened.

"Do what?" asked Link again, using Nayru's Love to create a shield around groups of fairies, slowly suffocating them

"That's it, I'm doing it!" Navi screamed, before she flew down Link's back and wildly buzzed around under his clothes.

"Hey, cut it out, that tickles!" said an alarmed Link, whilst simultaneously refusing to give up his seat on a bus for a fairy, even though she had a lot of shopping bags, and was pregnant.

"HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HELLO! HEY! HEY! LISTEN!"

"Shut up!" screamed Link, who was desperately trying to swat Navi, whilst stealing candy from a baby fairy, then spitting in it's face.

"LISTEN! HELLO! HEY!" continued Navi, as Link began to weaken. Eventually, he had to concede defeat when he felt Navi fluttering somewhere personal.

"Navi! Get away from there! I'll do what you want!"

Navi slowly made her way out and commanded Link, "Good, now listen. Link, I think you have a problem with fairies."

"Well I don't Navi, I don't know where you keep getting this idea from!" replied Link angrily, whilst lighting a match and spraying a deodorant can over it, using it as a flamethrower to burn hundreds of fairies alive.

"Link, look at your hand!"

Link turned to look at his right hand and gasped when he saw that he was using it to hold a fairy that he was punching with his left hand.

"My goodness, Navi, you're right," whispered Link, throwing the fairy away as it was immediately eaten by a Deku Baba.

"It's ok Link, just think back to your first memory of fairies. It might help you to realise why you're doing this."

Link racked his brains as hard as he could, and gradually, he remembered a time long ago when he visited a great fairy…

…

A nervous 5 year old Link was stood in front of a large cave. Gulping loudly, he gripped the small bunch of daisies that he had picked and entered the cave…

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Link anxiously stepped further into the cave, only for the torches to be magically lit. One of the Great Fairies appeared in the pool of water before him, and it wore a flowing red robe.

"Greetings traveller, how may I help you?"

Link held out the flowers and whispered, "Will you be my valentine?"

The fairy was taken aback.

"I… I'm afraid I don't accept valentine offers, sweetheart. May I be of any other use?"

"I… um…"

Link dropped the flowers and ran out.

When the Kokiri Valentine Ball came, everybody was having fun, except for Link. Saria came over to talk to him and try to cheer him up.

"Don't worry about the Great Fairy, it wasn't anything personal, she just doesn't ever come out of the cave. It's no big deal."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," muttered Link, before Mido came storming into the party.

"Hey everyone," shouted Mido, "Check out my date!"

Link's jaw fell as the Great Fairy walked along beside Mido, smiling and waving at everyone, until she saw Link. Link looked hurt and angry, and the Great Fairy gasped and tried to hide under the table, but it was too late. Link had stormed back into his treehouse, and he swore to hate fairies for the rest of his life!

Sure, the Great Fairy had tried to lure him back once he was an 18 year old man (What else would explain her flirtatious giggling, lack of clothing, and the way she screamed every once in a while as if she was having an orgasm) but Link wouldn't take her back, and had subconsciously held a grudge against all fairies ever since.

…

"My goodness," gasped Link as he recounted the tale to Navi. "This explains everything! Now I remember why I hate fairies!"

"Well it's good that you know," replied Navi, "Because now we can solve the problem."

"We sure can," said Link menacingly as he left the forest and ran towards the cave. Navi realised too late where he was going, and by the time she'd caught up with him, he was already standing over a dead Great Fairy which had several large stab wounds.

"Take that, you whore!" screamed Link as he cleaned his sword, exited the cave, and went back to Kokiri forest. Navi decided to just forget the whole thing and hope that things would go back to normal.

As Link walked back into Kokiri forest, he saw that the remaining fairies that he hadn't killed were all in a group, so he approached them. At first, they look scared, but Link smiled and said,

"You don't need to worry now, I just cured my hatred of fairies, now we can all live in peace!"

The fairies cheered, then Link said, "Who wants a big hug?!"

The fairies tried to protest, but Link pulled them all into a big hug, accidentally crushing their tiny bones with his arms.

"You guys are so crunchy and friendly," said Link as he let go of them, leaving them as a pile of dead fairies on the ground.

Unfortunately for Link, who had already made it back to his house, Navi had just returned, and when she saw the huge pile of dead fairies, she assumed the worst.

"LINK!" she screamed, bursting into his house and slamming the door shut behind her. "You killed all those fairies! You must still hate them!"

"What? No I don't, I-"

"Shut up," interrupted Navi as she advanced on Link slowly.

"I'm going to make you stop hating fairies once and for all. I am going to make you, Link, love fairies, the only way I know how…" Navi cackled as she cornered Link menacingly.

Five minutes later, Link was sitting up in bed with his eyes wide open in shock, while Navi was lying next to him, smoking a cigarette. Link's belt and tunic were in a pile on the floor, next to Navi's bra and stockings.

"So," Navi said, rubbing her wings against Link saucily, "Still hate fairies?"

"No…" he replied in awe.

The End!!


End file.
